★ journal

the end of the summer is here at last. these three months have been very rough for me. so many ups and downs, i felt like i was on a rollercoaster: my dog passing away in may right after i finished my last college exam of the year, right before my trip to japan, and after a series of other events in my life, like my period coming back... it’s certainly all been very tough on me. one of the hardest months of my life so far.

i feel very disconnected from everything and, overall, i've never felt more incapable in my life—incapable of almost everything: of success, of happiness. i don't feel valuable. my second year of college was terrible for my mental state. i broke, in every sense of the word. i completely broke. i don't know how i pulled it off, but i did, and that's a small win. i got honors in my character design class, and it made me feel very proud of myself. it's funny how, no matter my age, i always yearn for that academic validation. shrugs.

picking up web design has honestly saved my summer. i look forward to it every day, adding and filling up everything i can. i have so many ideas for little things i want to write here. i've never been a journaling type of guy in the first place. i don't know how long i'll keep this up, but i'm trying to enjoy the experience anyway. nobody reads this anyway, and it's freeing.

i'm very grateful for my friends, and i feel like i've reconnected with many of them this summer, but sadly i've never felt more alone and alienated from people my age. it's so hard for me to speak, to voice anything out loud. i don't feel smart enough for any conversation, and i am so painfully shy. i hate it. i shake and i can't speak to save my life. and i'm so sensitive to jokes... i'm made of glass, and i hate it.

i've picked up reading again after years of not touching a book. i'm trying to branch out from art only and come to terms with the fact that i will become a teacher—and that's okay, because it's also what i've always wanted. animation degrees break you, man, i swear.

i want to do so many things once i get back to madrid. i'm really looking forward to this winter. i want to go outside more, like my friend anna does. and i hope i get to see her soon, too. i really do love her.

things i enjoyed this month