NOW:

im out of weed again and each time that i am i get (un)reasonably upset. i picked up smoking cigarettes too and i hate it because it makes me smell weird, it makes me spit boogers and it kills my lungs from the inside out. but i smoke like 3-4 cigarrettes a day so i guess everything could be worse. some days i dont smoke but mostly i do. 6 out of 7 days out of the week. ive been trying not to count or notice but i cant help it. i mostly do it because i dont know what else to do. alcohol is too violent and i simply do not have weed anymore and i dont know anyone who can get it for me, because im lame like that.
thats the thing. i feel like im so lame in madrid. well, sometimes. im lame at school. school makes me feel lame. i feel like almost none of my friendships represent me and nobody really knows what i actually enjoy or like. its like they know half of me. a third of me. everyday is a hassle because i hardly like anyone in college. it sounds like a me problem and i do think that it might be, in a way, but most people agree with me. the few people that i get along with also cant stand the rest. i hardly talk to anyone and it makes me feel weird and gross. i choose to do so. i want to try meeting new people but i find myself struggling like a typical adult: where the fuck do i meet new people? i signed myself up for a book club but it has a waitlist. i dmd a film club but they havent answered me. honestly writing all this really does make me believe that i should try to get a bit out of my comfort zone but will i really meet the love of my life at the fucking gym... i really dont think so.
i dont think im unattractive but i really dislike my face sometimes and a lot of the times existing in public spaces is awkward for me. i feel like i dont deserve the space im taking and that im a burden. i feel that everyone that looks at me thinks that im weird looking. yesterday i went to the library and there was a really cute guy. he didnt even look my way and switched to seats further away from me. if i was able to blush i wouldve in embarassment. i genuinely was about to approach him and all. some classic hey your hair is sick. hey i really dig your style. but no. he switched to like 4 seats over. as if i was gross. i know he probably didnt even see me but thats how i felt. i left not long after that. when i came back home i didnt want to cry anymore, because thats why i went to the library in the first place. im trying to hang out with myself more but everytime its always me and sadness. my sadness and i going places. i take it for a stroll, for a little walk. and sometimes its heavy and sometimes its not at all.
i have been reading, slowly but i have. i finished stoner and it changed my life. im more than halfway through kafka on the shore and i am loving it. i read every morning and im trying to read more in the afternoons even if i honestly shouldnt be. i called with my friend michael after so long and it was so nice to see them again.
college is driving me nuts. my animation teacher calling an animation degree harder than some engineering degrees is so real. she called animation an "engineering of movement" and i really liked that. but i am so tired. thankfully im not burned out (yet) because i do find myself drawing a shit ton of personal art. even when i shouldnt. again. im trying to not let my degree consume me. im tired of that. at least for a while. ive been a workaholic my whole life. i can take a few months off. and even then im not that stressed out about my grades. struggling now and making my way up seems much more human and rewarding than constantly trying to get 9 out of 10s and 10 out of 10s. its easier for my mind, too, and it honestly gives me a similar grade. whatever!
on the other hand i have BARELY watched any films or listened to crazy music besides my regular stuff and my discover weeklys. ive been going a little insane about this but i genuinely dont have time. its a bit of an excuse but i dont have time to give my full attention to movies.

things i enjoyed this month

• DOA!! my turkish online friend visited me in madrid!! it was so much fun. we had a blast honestly.
• i visted my cousin in salamanca and i had loads of fun too. enjoyed the sun and coffee and smoking together. i was insanely jealous of her college life but im proud and happy for her regardless. i always am
• drinking more tea and less coffee. buying loads of ingredients and eating good
• our kitchen sink broke in exam season lol

songs

albums

cançons en loop

àlbums

la veritat és que aquests darrers mesos he estat escoltant el mateix de sempre... sí que he escoltat un parell d'àlbums de Black Country New Road, però no m’han agradat molt cap dels dos... The Place Where He Inserted the Blade és molt bona però... ouagh,,,
vaig recomanar First Light de Makoto Matsushita a un company de classe i li vaig dir que Sunset era la millor cançó. Va tornar i em va dir: “Tens raó, ‘Sunset’ és la millor.”
vaig escoltar the first glass beach album i la veritat ha estat sorprenent. només coneixia forever i pensava que les seves cançons eren d'aquell estil, una mica com beach house però que va. no m'esperava els tos emos i el soroll. m'han agradat moltes pero altres eren massa tally hall mother mother i pfff peresa. però en general es molt bon album

llegint

he llegit!! estic llegint molt més del que acostumo. estic molt content. ara mateix estic llegint Permagel, d’Eva Baltasar, i és molt, molt bo !!

• Heaven
• Sweet Bean Paste

Notes

• ja no sona el piano al portal.
• ja no se senten tant les obres i no molesten.
• he decidit agafar un bus que surt més tard al matí. em permet aixecar-me una mica més tard i menjar, beure cafè o te... a més, tarda com una hora a arribar a la uni, així que llegeixo molt. està bé.
• estic coneixent moltes infermeres noves i són totes perfectes i simpàtiques
• no va passar res, again
• i love panchiko
• vaig veure ethel cain i bandalos chinos. bandalos chinos molt molt bons realment. molt fort.

• hem fet un challenge d'animació en 24h i va ser molt graciós
• tinc por constantment però estic gaudint molt del present
• m'encantaria viure al japó. estic obsessionat. sent que seria començar de zero... encara que allà no follaria RES gagged
• estic en una banda de rock ara

the end of the summer is here at last. these three months have been very rough for me. so many ups and downs, i felt like i was on a rollercoaster: my dog passing away in may right after i finished my last college exam of the year, right before my trip to japan, and after a series of other events in my life, like my period coming back... it’s certainly all been very tough on me. one of the hardest months of my life so far.

i feel very disconnected from everything and, overall, i've never felt more incapable in my life—incapable of almost everything: of success, of happiness. i don't feel valuable. my second year of college was terrible for my mental state. i broke, in every sense of the word. i completely broke. i don't know how i pulled it off, but i did, and that's a small win. i got honors in my character design class, and it made me feel very proud of myself. it's funny how, no matter my age, i always yearn for that academic validation. shrugs.

picking up web design has honestly saved my summer. i look forward to it every day, adding and filling up everything i can. i have so many ideas for little things i want to write here. i've never been a journaling type of guy in the first place. i don't know how long i'll keep this up, but i'm trying to enjoy the experience anyway. nobody reads this anyway, and it's freeing.

i'm very grateful for my friends, and i feel like i've reconnected with many of them this summer, but sadly i've never felt more alone and alienated from people my age. it's so hard for me to speak, to voice anything out loud. i don't feel smart enough for any conversation, and i am so painfully shy. i hate it. i shake and i can't speak to save my life. and i'm so sensitive to jokes... i'm made of glass, and i hate it.

i've picked up reading again after years of not touching a book. i'm trying to branch out from art only and come to terms with the fact that i will become a teacher—and that's okay, because it's also what i've always wanted. animation degrees break you, man, i swear.

i want to do so many things once i get back to madrid. i'm really looking forward to this winter. i want to go outside more, like my friend anna does. and i hope i get to see her soon, too. i really do love her.

things i enjoyed this month

• branched out and reconnected with other aspects of myself
• observed
• the chris rainbow anthology 1974-1981, so good so good!
• forcing and succeeding at making myself watch more movies